Simplification

I'm just going to say it... as Americans, most of us are TOO BUSY! There's probably not many people out there who would disagree with me. It's a little bit of a mystery to me why we all naturally pack our lives so incredibly full of things to do, to the point of being literally, overloaded.

It's almost like we have too much to do to actually stop and enjoy life. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good to be "busy" enough that we're providing for ourselves and our families & being productive citizens. And we've all seen the graffiti that was put up by people who I assume don't have enough to do.  But is the quantity of life, in a way, destroying our quality of life?

A potential danger of overloading our lives and setting so many intense expectations for ourselves, is that we increase our likelihood of burnout and for some, depression. I assume that this is obvious to most people but why are so many affected by depression with the numbers of those affected constantly rising? Check out any of the statistics on depression; it may surprise you!  Supposedly, everyone will at some time in their life be affected by depression, whether it's their own or interacting with someone else dealing with it. We can change that statement and the statistics! We don't have to settle for a life doomed to feeling overloaded and depressed.

From the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff, by Richard Carlson. I love the chapter called "Remind Yourself that When You die, Your 'In Basket' Won't be Empty." I love his perspective. "So many of us live our lives as if the secret purpose is to somehow get everything done. We stay up late, get up early, avoid having fun, and keep our loved ones waiting... Often, we convince ourselves that our obsession with our 'to do' list is only temporary--that once we get through the list, we'll be calm, relaxed, and happy. But in reality, this rarely happens. As items are checked off, new ones simply replace them."

He goes on to say, "The nature of your 'in basket' is that its meant to have items to be completed in it--it's not meant to be empty. There will always be phone calls that need to be made, projects to complete, and work to be done... Regardless of who you are or what you do, however, remember that nothing is more important  than your own sense of happiness and inner peace and that of your loved ones. If you're obsessed with getting everything done, you'll never have a sense of well-being! In reality, almost everything can wait. Very little in our work lives truly falls into the 'emergency' category." I love that he said "almost everything can wait," because it can, yet we too often convince ourselves otherwise. 

So you don't have to make time later, take a minute right now to think about some of the unnecessary things you do every day/week/month. Can any of them be eliminated or put on a list of "things to do at another time" so that you can simplify and maximize your satisfaction with life right now?

Master My Stories

Kauai HI - Apr 2012

Time to wrap up my thoughts on Crucial Conversations with my other top favorite sections, "Master My Stories." This concept has forever changed my thinking.

"Our stories create our emotions; we create our stories." What does that really mean?

The gist of this section, is that when you step back and look at a difficult situation and how we feel about the other person, there are often very little "facts" available to us. The typical chain of events is this: 1) You see, hear, or otherwise experience something, 2) You tell a story about the facts, 3) You generate a feeling, & 4) You act.

For example, someone at work doesn't invite you to lunch but invites everyone else. You may automatically think that this co-worker doesn't like you, is inconsiderate, they may be taking this opportunity to say something about you, etc. But the truth is, the only fact we really have in this situation is that your co-workers went to lunch and you weren't invited. In situations we dislike, our minds are pretty good at creating monsters out of people.

In the example, you can either brush it off, try to guess why you weren't invited (this is where some "great" stories can be created), or actually ask the person why you weren't invited, seeking to understand. It can become scary and very difficult to have healthy relationships, when we begin to accept the stories we've created about someone as "truth."

"Our stories create our emotions; we create our stories." Have you figured out what this means? If we can't influence our emotions, we cannot influence our behavior. Isn't that empowering? We can control our emotions/behavior & how we feel about others, by controlling the "stories" we tell ourselves about them.

So really, we are all excellent "story tellers." It's been very eye-opening to me to stop and recognize just how many things my brain automatically assumed or filled in about a person, even in fairly simple situations. I still think every person on this planet should read this book or take a course that covers the content. These skills can literally transform relationships.

What "stories" have you been telling yourself about someone? Does recognizing these created stories change the way you feel about them?

30 Day Challenge

Today I'd like to invite anyone reading this post to take on a 30 Day Challenge with Eric and I!

We've done this challenge a couple of times this year and have decided to do it again :) The basics of the challenge are listed below. If you're willing and ready to do more, follow the link above for the original challenge Eric & I accepted and will be doing for the next 30 days, starting today!

• No sugar
• No grains (corn is a grain, so it's a no no)
• 3-5 hours of slow movement/activity per week

Think you can do it?  When you first start looking in your fridge and pantry, you may feel pretty restricted but I would suggest focusing on all of the things you can eat during this challenge (meat, fruit, vegetables, nuts, dairy, etc). There are tons of great options to choose from!

I'm definitely concerned with the health of our country. Regardless of anyone's political views, I think we can all agree that we have a serious problem. Weight is steadily increasing, body fat percentages are too often in the danger zone, disease and allergies are running rampant, etc. The current guidelines we've been given, obviously aren't working for the majority.

I don't want to tell anyone how they should eat but a site that I love to go to for ideas and recipes is Marks Daily Apple. His site is actually where we got the challenge from. Mark Sisson promotes "primal living," which is more encompassing than just what you put in your mouth. He talks a lot about simplifying our lives and focusing on quality versus quantity. I love that!

Another interesting article Eric shared with me recently talks about sugars and grains and their correlation with obesity, even during the Great Depression (Why the Campaign to Stop America's Obesity Crisis Keeps Failing). I'm probably just crazy but I found this article pretty intriguing.

This challenge does require a little bit of an open mind because it doesn't necessarily go in line with the "conventional wisdom" we are taught (the food pyramid, etc). I do suggest giving it a try and seeing how your body reacts to it. The first time I tried the challenge, I definitely experienced the Carb Flu for a week or two. As your body adjusts to burning fat for energy instead of carbohydrates, you may end up losing weight, reducing body fat, sleeping better, be less affected by allergies, have clearer skin, experience clearer thinking, etc. Some have even resolved infertility issues after removing grains and sugar from their diet. 

I figure there are worse things you could try for 30 days besides adding a little movement to your week and removing sugar and grains from your diet, right? If you decide to take on the challenge, keep me posted on your progress and let me know if you have any questions or could use some tips. If in 30 days, you don't feel better and aren't getting the results you want, you have my permission to stop. I certainly won't be any better or worse off, no matter the decision you make :) Have a great week!

Tribute to My Mother

I love that we have a day dedicated to mothers! I have been blessed to have many amazing "mothers" in my life. Today, I want to pay a special tribute to and brag a little bit about my sweet, earthly mother.

I feel extremely blessed to have been born to an extraordinary mother! To me, she is an amazing example of the Savior, always giving unconditionally. I am often amazed at what she is willing to drop at a moments notice to take care of her family. I know that she has sacrificed many of her own comforts and desires to take care of us and so many others.

My mother has more common sense and skills than any other person I know! Mom has developed and been given some incredible talents. She isn't afraid to try something new and is so creative and innovative. To me, she is the definition of a  strong, hard-working woman. They just don't come more amazing than my mom :)

Regardless of the trials in this life, she has been solid and faithful; she is a spiritual giant! I know and can never doubt what she believes in and is striving for, because she lives it every day. Mom always encourages us to be the best we can be and does it in such a genuine and caring way. I have really appreciated the relationship of trust we have.

I have always felt her support throughout the different experiences and seasons of my life. Her dedication to our family is inspiring. What she currently does and has done for me, is far more than can ever be repaid.

Thank you for your strength, your wonderful example, and amazing life so far. I consider myself extremely blessed to be a part of it. If I am able to become even half the woman you are, I will consider my life to be a success! Thanks for being the best mom and best friend a daughter could hope for :) I love and admire you!

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."         -Abraham Lincoln

Make it Safe

I don't want to spend much time on the next section "Learn to Look." I will say though, there definitely is value in being able to identify signs of a conversation becoming crucial (noticing feelings of frustration, annoyance, feeling hot & sweaty, you or the person you're talking to becoming "silent" or "violent", etc). It can be easier to "save/recover" a conversation if these signs are realized early on. If you have a couple of minutes, I would suggest taking the assessment that can help you understand your "Style Under Stress."

Puerta Vallarta - Oct 2011

Alright, on to one of my favorite sections of the course "Make it Safe." Check out this quote:

"When things go wrong in crucial conversations, we assume the content of our message is the problem, so we begin to water it down or avoid it altogether. You can't be too honest. If you learn how to make it safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything."

Think back to a crucial conversation you've had that didn't go very well and you immediately thought "what could I have said to make that go better?" The interesting thing is, the words you said might not have been the problem (although sometimes it definitely is).

"When it comes to safety, it's all about intent. When people start feeling unsafe and move to silence or violence, it isn't because of the content; its because of the intent. If your intent is pure, you can talk candidly. If not, you can't." At work, I have been the most successful in creating a "safe" environment when I try to create & start with Mutual Purpose in difficult conversations. It's been kind of fun to consciously practice this skill.

"Without Mutual Purpose people withhold meaning. When others think that our purpose is to blame, win, or hide the truth, they are likely to avoid an interaction or withdraw from a conversation rather than freely share their meaning."

"Mutual Purpose is the foundation of trust. When others believe that your intent is positive, they don't worry that you're trying to force your opinion and are even willing to listen to potentially painful content."

Wow, right? Without "safety," crucial conversations will likely never be successful. Making these connections are awesome! I finally understand why some conversations I've had in the past didn't go well, even though I had planned out my words very carefully in advance. It was probably because I didn't have pure intent and/or make the environment "safe." We can try to fake our intent but people are generally pretty good at detecting if it's genuine or not, so I'd suggest keeping it real :)

Have you had well-planned conversations that didn't go well? Was it because of your intent or because you had not created a safe relationship or environment for the one you were talking to?

Start with Heart

It's time for the next section of the Crucial Conversations course, "Start with Heart."

"When Conversations turn crucial, three things happen to us-and they all affect our heart: 1) We become blind to our own role in the problem, 2) Our motives degrade, and 3) We limit our choices."

Here are some skills to develop that can help us work with and maybe even overcome some of these natural tendencies. First, we must focus on what we really want. A couple of great question to ask yourself in a crucial conversation is, what am I acting like I want? What results do I really want? And the follow up question would be, how would I behave if I really did? After going through this series of questions, there is now a great opportunity to change your behavior if it's currently not helping you achieve the outcome you want.

"Admit your role. It's hard to work on ourselves first when we become blind to our own role in any problem we may be experiencing. When we experience a problem, we see others and the role they're playing. Seldom do we see ourselves. We're on the wrong side of our eyeballs."

Another other interesting concept in this section is called the "Sucker's Choice." The "Sucker's Choice" is basically changing an outcome to an "or" statement. For example, "I can either discipline my child, or have my child like me." The authors of Crucial Conversations challenge all statements of this nature. Avoiding the "Sucker's Choice" does require us to change our thinking. They suggest using the statement "I wonder how..."So in this same example, you would ask yourself, "I wonder how I can discipline my child and still have them like me."

Isn't it funny how often we do this? We instantly make quick, false conclusions. I think we tend to take the "Sucker's Choice" because it's easier than trying to figure out how to achieve both desired outcomes in a situation. Attaining multiple outcomes may require some creativity and "out of the box" thinking but can really be worth the effort!

When you find yourself in a crucial conversation in the next day or two and see that it's heading in a direction different from what you want, take just a second to stop and ask yourself "what do I really want? Where is my motive/heart right now?

Crucial Conversations - Part I

Kauai HI - Apr 2012

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to take a "Crucial Conversations" course through work. The course was developed by the authors of the book Crucial Conversations. While taking the course, the thought came to me, "why are we never taught these skills? Every person on this planet could really benefit from learning these skills and trying to master them." They can be used at work, church, home, or anywhere. Today I would simply like to introduce the topic.

So to start out, what makes a conversation crucial? Every crucial conversation contains three elements: 1) Opposing opinions, 2) Strong emotions, and 3) High stakes.

This quote is used often throughout the material but it's so true: "When it matters most, we often do our worst." Our amazing bodies naturally trigger adrenaline that drives blood from our brain into our limbs, so it can help us fight or take flight in the face of danger. Unfortunately, this loss of blood in brain can really limit our ability to think and act rationally.

The first skill to learn to better have crucial conversations is to "Identify Where You're Stuck." Under the Law of Crucial Conversations it says: " Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there." We need to be able to figure out what conversations we are either not holding or not holding well. Here are some questions the course provided that you can ask yourself to help figure out where you may be "stuck."

• What bad results do you want to fix?
• What good results are you currently unable to achieve?
• What problem are you always trying to fix?
• What do people gripe about?

After asking yourself these questions, it's time to officially ask, where are you stuck? Stay tuned for insight on how to become "unstuck."