Make it Safe

I don't want to spend much time on the next section "Learn to Look." I will say though, there definitely is value in being able to identify signs of a conversation becoming crucial (noticing feelings of frustration, annoyance, feeling hot & sweaty, you or the person you're talking to becoming "silent" or "violent", etc). It can be easier to "save/recover" a conversation if these signs are realized early on. If you have a couple of minutes, I would suggest taking the assessment that can help you understand your "Style Under Stress."

Puerta Vallarta - Oct 2011

Alright, on to one of my favorite sections of the course "Make it Safe." Check out this quote:

"When things go wrong in crucial conversations, we assume the content of our message is the problem, so we begin to water it down or avoid it altogether. You can't be too honest. If you learn how to make it safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything."

Think back to a crucial conversation you've had that didn't go very well and you immediately thought "what could I have said to make that go better?" The interesting thing is, the words you said might not have been the problem (although sometimes it definitely is).

"When it comes to safety, it's all about intent. When people start feeling unsafe and move to silence or violence, it isn't because of the content; its because of the intent. If your intent is pure, you can talk candidly. If not, you can't." At work, I have been the most successful in creating a "safe" environment when I try to create & start with Mutual Purpose in difficult conversations. It's been kind of fun to consciously practice this skill.

"Without Mutual Purpose people withhold meaning. When others think that our purpose is to blame, win, or hide the truth, they are likely to avoid an interaction or withdraw from a conversation rather than freely share their meaning."

"Mutual Purpose is the foundation of trust. When others believe that your intent is positive, they don't worry that you're trying to force your opinion and are even willing to listen to potentially painful content."

Wow, right? Without "safety," crucial conversations will likely never be successful. Making these connections are awesome! I finally understand why some conversations I've had in the past didn't go well, even though I had planned out my words very carefully in advance. It was probably because I didn't have pure intent and/or make the environment "safe." We can try to fake our intent but people are generally pretty good at detecting if it's genuine or not, so I'd suggest keeping it real :)

Have you had well-planned conversations that didn't go well? Was it because of your intent or because you had not created a safe relationship or environment for the one you were talking to?